I have been here eight times already and yet the jitters are still the same, just as they were on the first day. I remember it like it was yesterday- I had pulled my chair to the right and the noise seemed to be so loud that I had jumped up to apologize, only to see that no one had noticed it.
There were forty people around me and yet, not a single soul had turned towards me. Maybe it was because there were so many of them, that my ‘noise’ had drowned out. It was a good thing then, that I had not made my debut with the group of ten. I would have never made it through.
As I sat trying to calm my nerves, all the hours of practice that I had put into my already packed days, the stringent schedules I had followed everyday, the exercises- all came pouring in. This happened every time I sat here, and yet the effect was wonderful each time. The blood that flows into my face or head, whichever was the side effect of my anxiety – seemed to always bring these flowing too – the memories closest to my heart would flow to my brain; to remind me why I was here, how I had reached here. That I deserved to be here. This was my body motivating me, trying to calm me down.
I started my stretching ritual to get my mind to ease. First my neck, then my shoulders, hands and fingers, slowly, deliberately, loosening the knots. I wished the ones in my stomach could be removed that easily too.
The ritual had started since my nightmares. I began dreaming of muscle sprains and nerve pulls and my hands giving up on me. There was one particularly vivid nightmare, which ended with me screaming in agony, from a nerve pull- from my neck down to my left shoulder. How did my brain have that much power! It could take all my fears and piece them together into what seemed to be a good half an hour of a high definition horror clip.
It still gave me goosebumps but focussing on my breathing helped me get my control back. Though, the thing that keeps my anxiety in check is knowing this for sure- that I have to control my breathing only till the conductor raises his hand. Once the symphony starts, the music- the harmony that all these people around me weave together, will relieve me of all stress. I will be walking on air, playing my piece and being one with them.
